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The “D” Word

January 20, 2010 32 comments

The other night I took a step… a BIG step.  I said it out loud, I admitted it to myself and those around me.  After talking for a while with my mom and A, I had headed to bed.  I got on twitter again finally, after spending very little time on it in the last weeks, and I posted this:

just when i felt I had life in control… today it crumbles again. I am saying this for the first time to others… I am depressed

For some that might not be hard to say.  For me, it is.  I have always been the bubbly one, the goofy one, the HAPPY one.  I am the friend that is good for a laugh and a good time.  I am the one to cheer up others and be there for them.  And I feel like I have lost that part of me.  Each day is spent trying to survive, to find some bit of me inside, to deal with what life is handing me.  Emotionally, I am spent, I am exhausted, and I am lost.

When I started this blog, I didn’t plan for it to be so somber.  So, please, hang with me while I work through this.  I am on a journey and, unfortunately, the starting line isn’t quite where I thought it was.

I lead a very blessed life, I know that.  Especially when I see what is happening elsewhere in the world right now, the pain, the suffering, I am reminded even more.  But that is the thing with depression.  It isn’t about not appreciating what you have.  It isn’t about not being thankful.  I keep having to remind myself of that when I get angry because I can’t just “get over it” or “move on”.

Our Little Girl, Sydney

Our Little Girl

So, where did I lose myself?  When did the sadness overtake me?  Maybe it was lingering there for a while.  Maybe it was just at the edge of my mind.  But the day I lost my little girl, it took over.  Since the day of that ultrasound, I have tried to be myself, tried to heal.  But I can’t.  Nothing carries the significance it did before.  Nothing brings the same joy or laughter.  Nothing is as rewarding or fun.  God, am I really saying that?  I am blessed with a beautiful and healthy boy, but I am incomplete?  But I am.  I feel it every day.  I feel that void and can’t ignore it any longer.  The void weighs me down and makes everything more difficult.

At work, I have taken huge professional hits.  Of course all of this comes at a time I am being asked to grow and mature professionally.  How can someone do that when they are in survival mode?  How is it possible to grow when you are barely living?  These hits and stress add to the pain and the hurt.  They compound the already humbling realization that I can not handle the life before me.  And I cry.  At the office.  I weep because I can’t do it, I am less than I was and I am angry.

Last weekend A and I went to an event for his work.  It was just after one of these professional hits.  I felt broken in so many ways.  I felt as if I didn’t know myself any longer.  Although I know nearly all the people that would be there and enjoy them all, I had a lump in my throat.  And then it happened.  Just before we exit the car.  We end up talking about me, how he wants to help me.  How he wants to fix it.  FIX IT?  You mean, FIX ME!?  I have known I am broken but it tore me apart to think he may think I am a broken person too.  He explains that he just wants me to be happy.  Well, I am just so fucking sorry that I can’t be little miss sunshine for you!  And then I weep.  I cry because I know his desire for my happiness isn’t for him, but for me.  I know this, but what he says burns.  He tells me that he is worried that my being so concerned with getting pregnant is what is causing me to be so unhappy.  This just enrages me again!  I can’t tell you why.  I can’t explain why the idea of someone making me out to be a woman who desperately wants a baby infuriates me, but it does!  IT DOES!  Maybe it is because I am not supposed to be having to worry about this.  I am supposed to be finalizing my little girl’s nursery and planning for her to be born exactly one month from today.  I yell at him that I am depressed because I had it and lost it!  And I cry.  We talk for a while longer.  I know how much he loves me and just wants me to be happy.  Yes, happy… for me.  I wipe my tears, we enter the room and we say hello to his business partner and his newly pregnant wife.

Today I sat in the office of my OBGYN for my annual visit.  I cried.  I cried as she looked at me knowing the last time she saw me, the first time she met me, was as she told me my options for handling the baby that had died inside me.  I cried as I said the words. out loud. the “D” word.  As I told her about the last year.  I cried.  And then a few hours later I sat in the office of our Reproductive Endocrinologist.  A and he had fun teasing me about my assertion that I don’t want “him to get us pregnant”.  We all chuckled as I couldn’t quite explain myself.  We talked about options and then I cried again.  As I tried to form the words to explain that I can’t say I want another baby badly because to do so makes it real.  And then I have to deal with the fears.  The fear of loss again and that leading to more surgery and pain and procedures.  The fear of not being able to conceive on our own.  The fear of everything.  I cry as I try to explain this.

And then, tonight, I sit here and I cry.  February 19, one month from today.  It was supposed to be my dream come true.  I feel robbed of my story.  How perfect it was with a surprise pregnancy, the perfect results of the blood work and the perfect ultrasound!  My smile was so big and I was walking on clouds.  I felt so blessed and so honored to have had another baby pick me to be its mother.  And as quickly as she came into my life she was gone.  From perfect to gone.  And with her went my joy.  And with her went my heart.  And with her went a piece of me that I have not been able to heal.

So, yes, I am depressed.  It is destroying me.  It is wrecking havoc on my life.  I am a shadow of who I once was.  I am not a good friend right now.  I cry.  I yell.  I DO want a baby.  I feel robbed and cheated and angry.  Maybe for some this isn’t a big deal, but for me it is.  For me, my world is broken and I have no idea how to stop the flow of heartache.

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The Best for Babes Campaign Codes

December 17, 2009 4 comments

I LOVE the Best for Babes ad campaign and want to do all I can to promote it! So, here are codes you can use to include an ad on your blog. Best for Babes has a page with information about this and examples. Once you have decided which you want to use, just copy and paste the code into a text or html widget/post on your blog or website! If you have any questions about this code, email me at crystald.gold [at] gmail [dot] com. Questions about the campaign can be directed to Best for Babes.

140 width online ad

<a href="http://www.bestforbabes.org/2009/12/how-you-can-help-run-our-ad-campaign-on-your-blog-or-website-and-get-a-magnet"><img src="http://www.bestforbabes.org/wp/wp-content/uploads/bestforbabes140w.jpg" border="0" alt="Best for Babes" align="center" /></a>

150X150 online ad

<a href="http://www.bestforbabes.org/2009/12/how-you-can-help-run-our-ad-campaign-on-your-blog-or-website-and-get-a-magnet"><img src="http://www.bestforbabes.org/wp/wp-content/uploads/BfB_OLA_150x150.jpg" border="0" alt="Best for Babes" align="center" /></a>

180X240 online ad

<a href="http://www.bestforbabes.org/2009/12/how-you-can-help-run-our-ad-campaign-on-your-blog-or-website-and-get-a-magne"><img src="http://www.bestforbabes.org/wp/wp-content/uploads/BfB_OLA_180x2402.jpg" border="0″ align=" alt="Best for Babes" /></a>

700X100 online ad

<a href="http://www.bestforbabes.org/2009/12/how-you-can-help-run-our-ad-campaign-on-your-blog-or-website-and-get-a-magnet"><img src="http://www.bestforbabes.org/wp/wp-content/uploads/BfB_OLA_700x100.jpg" border="0" alt="Best for Babes" align="center" /></a>

700X300 online ad

<a href="http://www.bestforbabes.org/2009/12/how-you-can-help-run-our-ad-campaign-on-your-blog-or-website-and-get-a-magnet"><img src="http://www.bestforbabes.org/wp/wp-content/uploads/BfB_OLA_700x3001.jpg" border="0" alt="Best for Babes" align="center" /></a>

Half Drunk Challenge

December 7, 2009 19 comments

I am writing this first paragraph BEFORE the half-drunk part to explain the idea behind this. Momalom.com is hosting this blog carnival and encouraging their readers t0 drink and write. Don’t censor, don’t hold back. Let our hair down and let it roll. So, for those of you that know me in “real life”, don’t be startled if this is not what you expect or if it is a bit embarrassing (for me or for you). Please don’t hold it against me, that is for sure. It is an experiment in personal growth… like a blogger’s Spring Break party maybe? I hope it is fun and interesting, maybe a little naughty. I DEFINITELY hope it isn’t boring… what would that say about me?? So, I will close this part, go tip a few back and be back later to bare my soul…

Turn off Mommy before you turn me on!

– oh and family may want to turn the other way!!

I KNOW I am not the only one out there who thinks about this… switching gears, or trying to at least… no, not the car (I manage a stick shift like a pro.. wink wink)… no, I mean when the munchkin turns in, “Mommy” doesn’t just turn off. You know what I mean… right? I wish I could write on here that I am a total rock star in the bedroom (well I can be, but I mean one that is always ready and willing). I wish I could say my desire burns constantly! Ah, but reality isn’t so friendly is it? They say that women need to feel loved to have sex and men need sex to feel loved. I need more than love, I need to find one of my other personalities. I have to forget the mommy, wife, head of the house and find the old “naughty schoolgirl” in there somewhere. I will say that nothing silences “Mommy” faster than a few drinks…

This has gotten a little better with some time (when I don’t have mono and he doesn’t have deadlines), but I assure you that A would pounce like a puppy if I told him we were going to improve things NOW. At least now I can be touched without cringing because I have had a baby attached to me ALL DAMN DAY and would like some fucking personal space for 5 fucking minutes!! Oh, do I sound bitter? Thank god A was an understanding and sympathetic chap when M was a baby or we never would have made it. I know he thinks sex and the bedroom are the last things on my mind, but in all honest truth I think about it constantly. But for me it is often thinking “I wish I wanted it more” instead of “I want it now”. I don’t know how to fix that still. I guess there is the old saying “Just Do It” but where is the fun in that? I love my husband and I think he is a total hottie! I want to want him ALL THE TIME! If I could just get over the bills, the kid, the house, the work, the dog, the this the that…. blah blah blah. I am a mental person… wait… I mean I am a thinker (well probably both). So, things are constantly going on in my head and it is hard to shut them off. But, as I mentioned, the hardest is M. So, our best nights for frisky love is getting M out of the house and us on a date. (You do see the issue here being that we are Attached Parents?) I will give myself a pat on the back though. When I do get “Mommy” turned off, I can really get him turned on. I have been known to send racy texts and pictures, not afraid to hook up in the car, and might have shown up in his office wearing a little Mrs. Claus number. So, I’m not a slacker! I guess, just like he would say if you asked him, I just wish it were easier and more.

So, how do you keep the love alive? And be honest, is this a battle you fight? Just about everyone I know has admitted to at least a temporary slack and I wonder what the real truth would be if they were blogging drunk. 😉 Are you worried that this could be the ONE thing that is/could cause problems in your marriage? I feel lucky that I trust my husband 100% but there is always that little part in the back of my mind that worries he will get fed up. It is that part that causes me to have horrible dreams of him finding someone else sometimes.

So, here’s to the couple-drink-needing-Goddess locked inside Mommy each day and to the ever more regular release of her into the wild. Oh, and to cringing as I realize who will actually be reading this…

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Reflecting on my first 30 days

December 5, 2009 1 comment

So, a month ago, I decided I would FINALLY get serious about writing again.  I would make time and get all the millions of thoughts that run through my head out for others to share.  What an experience it has been!  There has been so much fulfillment, encouragement, and growth in one month!  I wish I could say I wrote as often as I wanted to or that I was as successful, articulate, and prepared as I would like to have been.  But I didn’t and I wasn’t… but that is OK!  I made major strides, stayed with my commitment and now have a long list of blog ideas and feel empowered to continue!

I remember the first day I let it loose… I was THRILLED to be getting a consistent 50ish hits a day.  I know that is SUCH small potatoes for a website, but this was brand-spankin-new and just about me.  Then, I started breaking 100 consistently!  One day I even had 406!!  Over the entire first 30 days I had over 2200 hits!  That means that people felt compelled to see what I had to say at least 2200 times!  That is a real honor!  I hope to watch the viewership grow and develop over the next few months.  My GOAL is to have one month with 25,000 hits by the end of 2010!  That will take a lot of work and dedication, but I love this!!

One thing I learned this month was that in the blogging world, it isn’t just about what you write on your own blog, it is about joining the conversation.  I have met (virtually) some WONDERFUL and talented women (and men) this month and am amazed by the conversations being had on twitter, blogs, and elsewhere.  It is a true community that is built by taking the time to share your thoughts on your own site and then visiting others and creating that dialogue.  One of the great examples of this was momalom.com‘s 5 for 10 experiment.  Those of us that took part committed to spend at least 5 minutes a day for 10 days on their blog (and others if we chose) and they would do the same.  This encouraged us all to step out and see what others were talking about and join the conversations.  It was a major success, opened me up to many new bloggers, and increased my own readership a lot. I have also taken part in the Wordless Wednesday blog carnival and the Not Me Monday blog carnival.  These are great to keep the blog fresh and meet new bloggers regularly.  I will be doing another new carnival from Momalom called the Half-drunk Challenge… I am a little scared… blogging tipsy?  YIKES!

I also learned what an honor it is to have someone recognize publicly what you are doing and saying.  This happened three times for me in this first month!  Again, WHAT AN HONOR!  First, PhDinParenting highlighted a blog I wrote during her week long commitment to more reading and commenting on people’s sites.  She would list on her blog where she visited that day and pick a few to highlight.  Her blog is a very respected resource for MANY people so it was a huge honor to receive such a notation from her.  Next, Birthing Magazine featured a link to a post of mine on their Facebook page with over 400 fans!  And finally, Best for Babes, an organization that is focused on helping change the public perceptions of breastfeeding, mentioned me when they posted how to get involved in their ad campaign.  This wasn’t in reference to my own writing or anything, but it was an honor to be credited as helping them with their movement.  These recognitions mean so much to me personally and for the growth of my blog.

During this month I have tried to cover many diverse topics that I am interested in (almost all come back to breastfeeding).  I have written about books, breastfeeding, toilet learning, reflection, nestle, and activism.  I have learned some about marketing myself too.  One thing I love about the blogging world is that it is more about building the relationship than just flat marketing.  People see my link when I comment and post elsewhere, but it is secondary to what I have to say.

In my life, I have grown quite a bit this month.  I learned how truly persistent my son is, perhaps more than any other human being I have met.  I learned that, because of this, I have to let go of all I have tried to hold on to as a “typical parent”.  Typical parenting isn’t what he needs.  He needs to have more control, more respect, more choice in his life.  He needs more guidance, more understanding, and more patience.  I have to trust him to grow and mature at his own pace and listen to his needs first.  I have to continue to grow so that I can be the mother he needs.  I lack the patience and creativity he really needs from me.

I have also learned this month that I AM on the right path.  Every turn has been a reassurance that I need to follow my heart.  I haven’t answered all my questions about how to make the needed changes, but I know I will. (RN or no RN??)  It feels great to be building myself up each day and being able to also reflect on where I have been.  I am looking forward to continuing with my writing and seeing where it takes me with each new post!  Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read, comment, and revisit!  I hope you will continue the journey with me!!

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Categories: Goals Tags: , , , ,

Not Me Monday 11/30/09

November 30, 2009 9 comments


Welcome to Not Me! Monday!  This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I like to think of myself as a rather reserved, respectable, controlled individual so I, of course, was NOT doing the total happy dance when I saw that Birthing Magazine had highlighted one of my blog posts on their Facebook page.  How unbecoming that would be!  I most definitely did NOT get butterflies in my tummy and a smile stretched across my face from ear to ear.  I was in NO way filled with total joy knowing that a periodical thought enough of something I wrote to mention it to their readers.  That would be so immature and in no way within my character.  And because of this you know that I didn’t call my husband and my mom to tell them how awesome I am.  Nope, not me.  I am the picture of cool, calm, and collected.  Oh, and in case you didn’t see it… 😉

Birthing Magazine Feature

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Categories: Not Me Monday Tags: , ,

Response to a Weaning “Guide”

November 13, 2009 11 comments

I was monitoring my twitter account today and kblogger posted this: “Hi Sofia, Quite a bit of misinformation in that article. 😦 @ssofia: just wrote: When & How 2 Stop Breastfeeding http://cli.gs/2sYaH”  I took a look at the article and was stunned.  So, I had to share my thoughts with the author.  I just couldn’t let this type of information go without speaking up.  Here is what I submitted, in case it is not approved as a comment.  Please share your thoughts on the article, and also here to ensure they are posted.  I would  love to hear what you think of the article and what I wrote in response.  Thank you all!


Submitted as a comment to http://momsnbabies.com/when-and-how-to-stop-breastfeeding-2/ on November 13, 2009 at 11:28pm EST

 

After reading this article I have several items to comment on.  First of all, it is unclear who wrote this.  At the top it states that it was written by Sofia S, but the bottom states that it is by Alan Murray.  What are the credentials of the person who wrote this?  I ask these questions for several reasons as stated below.

I feel that every person that writes about breastfeeding has an obligation to be informed about the facts because breastfeeding is closely tied to the health of a baby/toddler. Yes, breast milk is necessary for optimal health of toddlers too.  Unfortunately, your author is misinformed about the benefits and necessity of extended nursing.  La Leche League International, an organization that disperses widely used and valued information on breastfeeding, states “All the benefits of human milk—including nutritional and health—continue for as long as your baby receives your milk. In fact, as your baby takes less human milk, these advantages are condensed into what milk is produced. Many of the health benefits of human milk are dose related, that is, the longer the baby receives human milk, the greater are the benefits.” http://www.llli.org/FAQ/bflength.html The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends “Exclusive breastfeeding for approximately the first six months and support for breastfeeding for the first year and beyond as long as mutually desired by mother and child.” http://www.aap.org/advocacy/releases/feb05breastfeeding.htm The World Health Organization recommends “Exclusive breastfeeding is recommended up to 6 months of age, with continued breastfeeding along with appropriate complementary foods up to two years of age or beyond.” http://www.who.int/topics/breastfeeding/en/
You will notice that no one recommends weaning due to breast milk eventually getting ” to a point in which is does not matter whether or not the child takes breast milk or regular milk.”  This is a complete fallacy and goes against all scientific studies.

I also have a very big issue with any article about babies and toddlers which refer to the child as “it”.  These children are people and not things.  This shows a level of respect for the child missing in the article.

I do appreciate the attention to weaning slowly, as it IS very important for a mother to wean in a gentle and slow manner, preferable led by the child.

It is also not very helpful to encourage women to wean to a bottle, requiring them to wean yet again.  Since the author is talking about weaning to “regular milk” (by the way, human milk would be the “regular” milk of a human being, but I understand that in this article the author is referring to  cow’s milk as “regular milk”) I can assume that the author is talking about children over the age of 1 year since it is widely accepted that cow’s milk should not be introduced before the age of 1.  http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/002448.htm It is also recommended that bottle use be discontinued by 12-18 months of age, so this is again, poor guidance.  http://www.ucsfchildrenshospital.org/education/baby_bottle_weaning/#2 And it is also worth pointing out that many pediatricians will tell you that your toddler does not need cow’s milk at all.  http://www.askdrsears.com/faq/fn1.asp

I believe that by providing inaccurate information regarding breast milk the author of this article is doing a great disservice to the mothers and babies he or she is reaching.  Inaccurate breastfeeding and breast milk information can easily equate to shorter lengths of breastfeeding and, in turn, higher risks of health issues for the child.  I hope that in the future the author will take their responsibility to mothers and babies personally and research thoroughly before providing advice or any type of “guide”.

Thank you.
Crystal Gold
TheVervePath.com

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Thoughts I am enjoying…

“A mature view of scriptural authority requires us, as we have in the past, to move beyond literalism. The Bible was written for a world so unlike our own, it’s impossible to apply its rules, at face value, to ours.” – Lisa Miller, Newsweek

“Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. – Cyril Connolly”